On Thanksgiving day, all across our nation, the leftover turkey and stuffing hasn’t even had a chance to get cold yet and the house is already empty. To hell with friends, family and football, those guys are wimps! The real warriors are headed for the Mall armed to the teeth and ready to do battle for the hottest little Black Friday (now Black Thursday) deals they can get their hands on! Everything up until now has been a warmup and the true giving of thanks will only happen after they’ve scored a great deal on the newest, latest, hottest, neatest little gismo the marketing gurus at Toys ‘R Us or Target or WalMart or Best Buy or whomever, have dreamed up to suck the last nickel out of their pockets!
Winter Wonderland. Yep! It’s the time of the year every red blooded, big box marketeer drools over and dreams about until the day it finally arrives. It’s also the time of year when the rest of us more timid souls choose to stay indoors and out of sight until someone gives the “all clear” sign and it’s OK to venture back out again!
But wait! Maybe I’m missing something? Maybe there’s a whole new industry here no one is plundering yet! How about setting up a combat recovery booth to assist those who are suffering the PTSD trauma of a Black Friday sale shopping failure? That way, for a small fee, you could nurse them back to health! You could even have foxy ladies for the guys and Chippendale types for the girls and give rubdowns for $50 for a “regular” rubdown or the “deluxe warm mittens” rubdown for $100 and the joy of giving would be in abundance!
Or, how about this? Set up a MMA (mixed martial arts) ring out in the parking lot? In the interest of fair play, you’d have to break it down by divisions and set ground rules but it would probably get a lot of interest and it might work. The lightweight division would be bare knuckle hand to hand combat only, all the way up to the unlimited class which would allow anything from tear gas to tasers and handguns to hand grenades. By Golly, it’d be hot times on Black Friday down at the Mall!
And now, for the coup de gras. This would be kind of a take off on the old greased pig contests we used to have at county fairs back in Canada. It would work something like this.
First you would get about 15 or 20 turkeys and spray ’em down (feathers on of course!) with Pam or some other kind of cooking lubricant, (WD-40 if you’re desperate) and turn them loose inside the store. Then you’d allow the first 20 folks in line, inside to go after the turkeys. If they catch one inside a pre-set time limit, they get to take home the Black Friday item of their choice. If they fail, they have to go outside to the back of the line and work their way back up. That would eliminate some of the cutting in and maybe some of the fist fights. There would be other rules of course like fresh turkeys every round and no handguns allowed!
I don’t know how many have ever tried, or had the misfortune of actually catching a turkey out in the open, but let me just say here and now that turkeys are grumpy little buggers and inside a store like that, being greased up and all, catching one is not going to be a task for the faint hearted! I think it would be a great draw though, and the WalMart that has their liability insurance paid up and decides to do this one will no doubt make the 5.00 o’clock news on every TV network in the country!
That’s it boys and girls. Those are my suggestions to help bring the spirit of thanks and joy and giving back where it belongs! The turkeys may not like the odds but it beats hanging out at Sarah Palin’s house! Happy Christmas shopping everybody!
As usual, send me your comments and critiques. I’ll be sure to read them all and use them if I can.
Posted by All Around Seniors at 12/4/2013 7:09 AM